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remembering...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

October eighth will always be a day of remembrance for me. A time of deep sorrow, yet filled with great hope. Nine years ago, on this day, I was almost half-way along in my pregnancy, and we were waiting to go to China to bring home our sweet Lily-girl. The baby was due in March, and we were expecting to travel about that time, as well.

It is true. When I first found out about my pregnancy, I was wrought with confusion and questions. I was sure that we should still pursue Lily's adoption, but was unsure about how we could handle having two babies at the same time.

But God was gracious, and over the course of a few weeks I found true joy in the prospect of my two new little ones. But, then came our time of sorrow...

On October 7, we took Adam to the doctor because he had been wheezing. We found out on that day, that Adam most likely had asthma. Our doctor told me that kids this young (he had just turned two) could simply stop breathing when they had this bad of a case of asthma.

Well, I stayed up watching him breathe the entire night. In the middle of the night, I began to have pains in my stomach. I thought that perhaps I was getting sick. But, by early morning, the pain had increased significantly and I could barely walk. We called a friend to come over to stay with Adam, and David took me to the hospital.

When we got to the hospital, they took an ultrasound of our beautiful baby. She was moving around freely and seemed very healthy. Unfortunately, however, the pain was not abating and I found out later that I had a very high temperature. In the afternoon, an intern sent me home. We weren't sure what to do. I tried to sleep, but then woke up with a burning fever. David took me back to the hospital. A few hours later, our sweet little Celeste, our beautiful baby girl was born--far too early.
Celeste

The moment you were born
there was still
the presence of life in your body--
in your slightly parted lips,
in your delicately closed eyelids,
in your long, thin fingers
that grasped the soft blanket
they layed you in.
The doctor had warned us
that you were only 18 weeks--
"Not fully formed,"
she said.
But she was wrong.
For when she laid you in my arms,
the completeness of you
was evident.
Your soul radiated
within your tiny body
remaining for a moment
to kiss your mommy
goodbye.

We found out later that there were actually two babies. One of the babies (our little Mercy) died early in the pregnancy. That baby stayed in my womb, and eventually an infection started. Our little Celeste could not survive in that place. Instead, she left this world for another world, joining little Mercy who went before her. That night, 9 years ago, they began their dance with Jesus. They are still dancing...
We miss you, our precious Celeste. We miss you, our dear Mercy. We remember you, and also Maria and Diamond (two more of our precious ones) who went before you to be with our sweet Jesus. We look forward to the day when we will see you in heaven. Our other children often ponder heaven with great hope and delight, "There will be four more brothers and sisters in heaven!" Four more beautiful ones. We can't wait.


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15 comments:

Jennifer O'Cain said...

I don't even know what to say except I am sorry and praying that God continues to Bless You!

James, Dawn and Family said...

I'm in tears. My heart knows your pain. What a bittersweet mommy heart you must have. The loss of your angels brought you the gift of Yanna, Lily, Jayden & Grace. It's true though one day you ALL will be together again. Praise GOD! May he give you continued peace

Tammy said...

Sarah,

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray God will continue to give you peace.

Much love on your day of rememberance,
Tammy

Sarah Dawn said...

Oh sweet friend, what joy when you dance with them before the King.

My heart aches and rejoices with you at the same time. Aching for your loss, rejoicing in your faith and the God of all comforts.

Hugs to you,
Sarah Dawn

Wife of the Pres. said...

I'm sorry too for your losses. I had no idea. Thank you for sharing and allowing us to remember with you.

Suzette said...

What a beautiful poem and post as you remember. Oh the joy you will experience when you meet again. This is one of those things we will never understand this side of heaven, but as I was reminder just today, "God is good all the time" even in our pain!

Jean said...

Oh Sarah- it is so heartbreaking to lose a beautiful child of God. I am so sorry you have had this happen to you and yet, like you say your beautiful children are dancing with Jesus. They are where we all want to be someday.

Thank you for sharing this with us. Your pictures , your thoughts, your poem and your children are beautiful.

God bless you.

Waitingfaithfully said...

Oh friend,

I am so sorry that you have known such sorrow. Four precious babies dancing in heaven.

Your heart is so tender to the Lord, Sarah. Part of who you are now, is because of what you have been through . . . what He has brought you through. I know you know that, but I am just now realizing that because of what you have shared. The Lord is using you Sarah, He speaks volumes through you dear friend, and I thank Him for you!

By the Lord's prompting I just turned my little flip calender (Moments for Moms) to tomorrow, October 8th. It says this --

"God has a thousand ways
Where I can see not one;
When all my means have reached their end
Then His have just begun."
-- Esther Guyot

What precious gifts He has added to your sorrow. What a joyous day it will be when you are all together again, face to face!

Love you my friend,

Tina

Kim said...

Oh Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss. This post is so beautiful. You are a precious lady! I feel so blessed that we got to meet in China.

What a family reunion you will have someday in heaven.

Love you,
Kim

Naomi said...

Oh I cannot imagine what it must be like losing a child!! Your post is so touching and beautiful and a wonderful reminder to be thankful for the blessings I already have..... sometimes I can take them for granted and forget that life itself is a gift!

I pray that the Lord will continue to comfort you during this time as you remember and rejoice at the same time! What a wonderful perspective you have!

Jenn said...

What a glorious reunion that day will be!!

I'm terribly sorry for the loss you have had. My heart aches for you. One day, all we be understood.

Praying for you on this day.

Blessings and hugs,
Jenn

Gwen said...

Sarah,
Such a beautiful, bittersweet, faithful post.
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your angel babies, but also rejoice with you in the knowledge that you will be together again!
Thank you for your courage and for sharing! :)

Kim said...

Sarah,
My pryaers are with you during this time. It will be a glorious day when you can meet your sweet babies in heaven!
Kim

Cari Bacon said...

I just read this today. I'm sorry for the pain and sorrow this date brings. What great hope we have in the Lord to know you'll see your precious children someday. I can't wait to see them either! Thank you for sharing this.

Kristin said...

Didn't know any of this. Thank you for sharing; just makes your joyful, faithfulness even more special and uplifting.

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