A Confession

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

I have something to confess. This has been a super-easy adoption and Kaikai has been incredibly happy, cooperative and brave. Yet, yesterday morning I still had an “Oh my goodness. What have I gotten myself into?” moment.

Why do I share this? Because it is soooooo normal, and I want those of you who are adopting for the first time to know that almost everyone has those sorts of moments.

My moment came after a night of very little sleep (due mostly to my own insomnia, rather than anything adoption-related). Kaikai and I were up before anyone else in the room and I was motioning for him to come to me. He shook his head “no”. I motioned to him again, and again he shook his head “no”. This happened three or four times.

Now, with 5 kids before this adoption, I guarantee you that I have heard “no” a few times before. Generally, it doesn’t reduce me to a puddle on the floor. But, this time, after very little sleep, the emotions of a long adoption process and the fact that Kaikai adores David and is just okay with me, the tears started to flow. “What have I done?” I thought. “He’ll probably never obey a word that I say. My life will be one series of painful experiences after another. Kaikai is going to grow up to be a criminal!”

Yep. I was thinking pretty rationally.

But, friends, it’s okay…because the fact is, I am tired (as is every new parent—adoptive or not). The adoption process is long and emotional—at least for every adoptive parent I’ve ever met. And even though I am honestly super-happy about the fact that Kaikai loves David so much, it is normal to want to bond as much as possible with my new son.

And all of these things can lead to some irrational moments.

And if you’re adopting, it’s likely that you will have some of these moments yourself. So, if you do, think of me. I’ve had these moments with every.single.child. (and not just the adopted ones). And you know what? We keep going back for more children! I guess that tells you that these kinds of moments don’t last. But the joy of loving these beautiful children…that goes on for eternity!



Difference2This1 said...

Aaww know how lack of sleep on top of lots of stress makes things seem so much worse. Think of it this way...if he gets airsick, it will likely be the one he is clinging to, David, who is showered with vomit during the long plane ride home!! Once home you can work on converting him to Mama's boy! LOL!! Prayers for some sleep and peaceful final days in China... Blessings, Jennifer

The Byrd's Nest said...

Yep...completely normal...even after years of being home and the stress emotional trauma brings into the home is enough to reduce me to tears in a moment's notice. Thankfully...God is still there and continue to hold His hands out for me to give Him all of these things I cannot do by myself. I love you friend.....God is with you!

Jill and Rick said...

Oh Sarah, I had to laugh at how your overtired mama mind worked ~ but I only laugh because I have been there! I'll pray for your new son to begin trusting you and bonding with you soon!

Nikolyn said...

beautiful, so true and very timely!

Kristen said...

Sleep deprivation is my number one enemy when it comes to my emotions!!! Praying for you that your bonding will happen SOON. It's been on my heart the last couple of posts....and thank you for being honest with the "what have I gotten myself into" it's so good to hear from a "veteran" I can remind myself when it happens to me.
PRaying for you tons!!!!

Cristy said...

I love your honesty. It is so encouraging to me. I've mentally stored these words of wisdom for when we adopt.

Sally-Girl! said...

Great great post to write!!! It is so true!! And guess what your great big ol' adoption loving blogger community will be right with ya every step of the way if you should need someone who's gets it!!!

Bonding will happen with you and Kaikai in its own an perfect time! Rejoice that he has with David as that will mean that he will with you.

And don't forget to let David shower you with love and affection in FRONT of Kaikai, it will feel great to you and be just what that little boy needs to see!!

James, Dawn and Family said...

Thank you for bearing your soul. I remember a certain beautiful Chinese princess named Grace that felt the same way about her daddy in China but look at them now.

Peter and Nancy said...

I love this -- when moms are honest about real life! Thank you for being transparent. I know I had similar moments with our first adoption, and I expect there will be new ones with our next adoption too. I love the support that is built when we share the whole experience of adoption, not just the warm, fuzzy moments!

Lisa said...

Thanks for your honesty! Agree with every word! Praying for rest and strength and for Kaikai to start warming up more and more.

Colista said...

Aw. Thanks for being open. Praying for you to know truth, and to know lies. This is good for me to read because I am sure I will have many "insecure" moments.
So glad it is going well overall.

Miche said...

I love hearing that; and if our time ever comes I'll be sending you all kinds of questions and returning to this in my "rational" thinking moments :)

Jean said...

Oh yes.. I have had these moments... with EVERY adoption!

I have already thought about this upcoming adoption and wondered... what on earth am I doing? BUT I quickly give it to God and he gives me comfort- whew- praise the Lord

Hubby and I are already bracing ourselves for the fact that our new children will adore big brother Mark AND sister Sarah! We will be an after thought... no doubt...

After this many adoptions I do know that once we get home they will... in time, adore and love us! Praise the Lord!!

Sleep deprivation always does a number on me too!

Wife of the Prez said...

SO VERY TRUE!!! I have had these moments every single time too! This post needs to be bookmarked for all APs to read pre-travel.

I am so excited you have KaiKai. He is just precious!!! He looks like he is so happy. I am loving catching up on your travels (and living vicariously through you--boy, do I miss China reading all of your posts).

Congrats on your new SON!

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