The Love that Keeps us Sane (part 6)

Look at this little angel (dress-up earings and all)! Who would ever guess that this sweetie could ever, ever pout or knowingly disobey?! Well......let me assure you, like every other child (and adult!), she can! But, the big question is, how does a parent handle the disobedience of a child? I'm certainly no expert, but I have found that certain things help a child toward joyful obedience and certain things do not.

1) The primary thing that I have found to be helpful is to always and only discipline in love. Our four older children know that the goal of life is to love God and to love others. If I discipline them out of anger or frustration, then I know (and they know) that this is not love. My motive is for them to grow in love. This can not be accomplished if I am irritated.

2) I know that sometimes I will fail in this goal (to discipline in love). Like my children, I also make mistakes. I am not a yeller (this is not really a virtue in me, just a personality trait), but I have spoken out of irritation towards my children. The solution?...Ask for their forgiveness. I let them know that no matter what they have done, it is not appropriate for me to discipline them out of anger.

3) I believe that children thrive in an environment where they know what is expected of them. I expect first-time obedience from all of my children. I figure if they can obey on the count of three, they can obey on the count of one (or zero!). Children generally know what they can get away with, and will always go as far as they are allowed to go. That is why David and I train our children to obey the first time they are asked to do something.

By the way, this helps tremendously with the irritation factor. It's generally when a parent has to ask a child to do something multiple times that the parent gets frustrated. If there is a consequence for the child the first time he/she disobeys, it doesn't give the parent time to get frustrated.


4) With a young child, I try to remember to only tell them to do things that I know that they can understand (obviously this is particularly important with a child who does not know english). I also only tell them to do things that I can follow through with. For example, Grace understands "Please come to Mama." But, I only say this to her if I know that I have the time to follow through with a consequence if she does not come to me. If I don't follow through, she will simply learn that I don't really expect her to come when I say, "Come."

5) I also try to give lots of exuberant praise when a young child is first learning to obey (or even for an older child if I know that the particular issue of obedience is difficult for them). Children love to be swept up in your arms with lots of encouragement when they successfully come when you call. With simple issues of obedience, I always try to smile as I am correcting the child. That way they know that it is not a big deal or an issue of anger, but simply something that they must do.

Of course, occasionally it is appropriate to speak sternly. There have been times, however, that I have used this strategy too much. If used too frequently, children learn to only listen when they hear that stern voice, or they become anxious because the correction seems like such a big deal. I try to keep things light, unless the occasion calls for something a bit more serious.

6) Attitude, attitude, attitude. It's no good to have sulky obedience. This seems to be more of an issue for girls, but boys can certainly have bad attitudes at times, as well. Of course, we don't want our children to pretend to be happy, but at the same time, it is just as easy to learn to be happy about obedience as it is to be sulky about it. This is an area that we are still working on, but we have seen a lot of progress simply by not leaving an issue until everyone's attitude has genuinely changed.

7) We try to address only a couple of issues at one time, with any particular child. For example, we might be working on obedience issues with one child who needs help in that area, and issues of self-control and patience with another child. In other words, we do not try to address every area at once. We all have areas of immaturity (adults included), and none of us can work on every area at once. Therefore, David and I try to determine which areas are of primary importance for each of our children at that particular time.


Again, I'd love to hear what some of you do in the area of discipline. I know that I can always grow in my ability to love my children (and others) and I also know that many of you have a lot of wisdom to share. What has worked for you? What hasn't worked as well? Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas!