light in darkness

Jadon and I sat across from one another in the doctor's office.  As Doctor Tsoi started to share the details of Jadon's upcoming surgery, I saw tears begin to form in my son's eyes.

"Come and sit with me, Jadon."

Jadon rushed over and wrapped his arms around my neck, clinging to me, as if for his very life.  He was so frightened that he didn't want to let go of me when it was time to leave.  He held onto my waist and we awkwardly walked out of the surgeon's office.

When we got home, I made a sunbutter and marshmallow sandwich for Jadon, and asked him to pick out a game to play.  We set up the chess board, and in between eager outburts from Jadon telling me that it was my turn (my competetive son was still anxious to beat me!), and bites of his sandwich, Jadon began asking me questions.

"Why do I have to have this surgery?"

"Will it hurt?" 

and...

"Why was I born with this problem?" 

That was the tough one.

We talked about Jadon's birthmother and the possiblity of her having poor nutrition while she was pregnant with Jadon.  We talked about how his birthparents might not have been able to afford surgery and that, possibly, that is why they couldn't keep him.  We talked about how God works everything together for good and that we were so glad that he was our son.

Jadon has experienced many losses and a lot of pain in his nine years.  He experienced the loss of his first parents just a few days after his birth.  He experienced the loss of affection and attention, by living in an orphanage for 23 months.  This will be his fifth surgery.  His first surgery was completed in China, and most likely, he was alone for most of his hospital stay.  He has reasons to be fearful and he has reasons to be sad.

Abandonment, surgery, and pain are not the Father's perfect will for my son.  But, our perfect Father has permitted these things to happen in my son's life.  And though we are asking God for miraculous healing, I can also see how the pain of this situation has caused Jadon to ask questions that he might never have asked otherwise.  I can see how this surgery has brought out more compassion in this little boy who is usually interested in legos, swords, games and winning.  I can see how my son has progressed from responding to tough situations in anger, to appropriately feeling sad.

On the day of his appointment, Jadon stayed very close to me.  He wanted to go on a walk with me.  He wanted to sit on my lap and he asked me to lie down with him at bedtime.  I would never wish this pain upon my son, but I do know that the One who is Light, has brought His light to this dark situation.