A Journey

The past year-and-a-half has been a journey into the realization of God's deep, abiding love and care for me. It has been a long and difficult road, because for the previous five (or so) years, I had become steeped in fear, and the desire to be approved by others. I tried to conform to other people's thoughts (or what I thought were other people's thoughts) and desires. I let go of God's heart and replaced it with the altar of self-concern and approval from others. As a result, I lost the belief that God truly cared for me. I felt abandoned and alone, when, in reality, it was I who had abandoned God.

But, this amazing God continued to love and pursue me, even when I had turned my back on Him. He offered His full heart, without restraint, because He loves to give, and give, and give, and give.

I have to tell you that this time has been one of the loneliest times of my life. God removed many of my friends from my life during this time. The road to our Lord is not always easy. Sometimes it can be very painful. But God has not left me completely to my self. In fact, it was actually due to the care of my incredible husband that I have been able to receive the love that God so desperately wanted to pour out upon me. Because of David's loving care and full-hearted trust in me, my heart was softened. David's care opened me up to the Father's care.

And though I have not shared any of this up until now, God has used each of you (my blogger friends) to ease the pain of loneliness during this season of my life. I know that God has had me very much alone during this time for a definite reason, but He has also been gracious to give me all of your encouragement and kindness over the past year.

And now, I have to tell you, that I am no longer experiencing the pain of loneliness. God is so very near, so very close. Last night, as I was praying, I felt that He was right in my bones...the very marrow!! Everything that He does is a whisper to me of His amazing kindness and care. He pours out His blessings...pours them out. They are not a trickle...but a flood. And to borrow a term from Heidi Baker, I am "wrecked" by one look from His eyes.

My circumstances have not changed. In many ways, I am still very alone...but I am not alone at all! Jesus is with me. He is with me. And He is with you. He cares for you so deeply. I pray that each of you would know His care..would know His love...would truly experience His kindness...and would be "wrecked" by one look from His eyes.