desperate love

I am desperate for Father's heart.

I am desperate to live in the center of His love.

When I stray, even an inch, from the depths of His kindness, I find myself faltering.

 

Some days it is almost imperceptible; this stumbling.

It may start out as a simple comparison with someone who has something (some attribute, some position) that I desire. My thoughts stray and I begin, without even realizing it, to question my Father's goodness. I wonder why I did not get the recognition that I think I deserve. I wonder why He hasn't given me more talent or natural ability.

 

It's ugly.

It's sin.

And it can always be traced back to my turning from Father's heart. For when I remember and meditate and live in that place, these sort of thoughts do not even enter my mind. Instead I remember that I am a beloved daughter, absolutely adored by my Father, and the constant recipient of His great kindness.

 

There are many days when I am desperate for Father's heart because of my own sin.

 

Today, however, I am desperate for my Father for a different reason.

Today I had to say "no" to something that I greatly desired.

Today, I had to say "no" to something that I believed was His desire.
But the "no" that I said was for the sake of love, and love is always His higher desire.

 

 That doesn't necessarily make it easy, though.

And I'm struggling to find joy in the midst of this obedience.

 

But friends, my Father loves me, despite all of my failings. I am His beloved daughter, and when I struggle He is desperate for me to live in the midst of that love. When I am hurting, He is desperate for me to run into His presence and lay my head on His shoulder and let Him carry the burden. My Father is desperate for me to know the depths of His kindness when things are scary and lonely and difficult, just as He wants me to know His kindness when things are beautiful and easy and fun.

 

desperate:  a reckless or violent act, undertaken out of extreme urgency

 

Though Father never experiences the sort of hopeless, anxiety-ridden desperation that we here on earth display, it is clear that He loves us with a desperate love. When He sent His beautiful Son to His death, it was an act of violence against heaven and earth. When the darling of heaven endured the pain of the cross on our behalf, it was most certainly a reckless act, undertaken out of extreme urgency. Father holds nothing back in order to shower us with His love.

 

So today, I turn to Father with desperation in my heart. And when I look into His gaze, I see that His eyes are full of loving desperation for me. He has given all for the ones that He loves, and when I am full of sorrow, the only place where I can truly live is in the midst of that great heart; that magnificent, desperate heart of love.